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If you have tried Focusing, after reading about it on the web, in a book, or having had a session with a teacher, and found it just didn’t work for you – welcome to the human race! Even Ann Weiser Cornell, now probably the world’s most well known Focusing teacher, found it incredibly frustrating for the first few months. So why is Focusing so difficult for so many of us at the beginning?
Perhaps an analogy is the easiest way to understand this. Imagine you are the father of several children, and for the last few years you’ve been rather preoccupied with other aspects of life, and haven’t been taking the time to really listen to your kids. As far as you know, all is well in the family, you haven’t noticed anything to give you real cause for concern.
One day a very good friend, someone who you really trust has your and your family’s best interests at heart, comes to visit you at your office. Your friend is concerned - he’s seen signs that your children are having difficulties with various aspects of life, and wonders whether you are aware of it. Not having noticed these signs yourself, you are dubious at best, but he’s one of your oldest and most trusted friends, and you know he wouldn’t have said something without reason.
So you go home that night, sit all the kids down and ask them how things are going. A chorus of “fine” is their response. Unaccustomed to being with the kids in this way, you are at a loss to know what to do next.
Now imagine for a moment how the kids must be feeling. Dad hasn’t noticed anything up over the last few months, despite repeated attempts on your parts to spend time with him and get his attention. On the occasions when he does seem to have heard that you have a problem, he’s either dismissed it with “I’m too busy right now”, or “Don’t worry about it, it’ll work out OK.” Worse still, some days he’s so tired after work that he gets angry when you want his attention, and your feelings just wind up getting hurt even more.
So now he’s sat you down, together with your brothers and sisters, and asked you how things are going. Are you going to sit up right away and tell him all your troubles? Do you trust that he’ll be able to hear it all and help you with your issues? Or do you sit back, quietly affirming that all is well, so as not to rock the boat?
Each one of us, to one degree or another, is like this family. We have parts of us that haven’t been heard for years, or that have been dismissed because we didn’t have the time or feel comfortable dealing with them. Old childhood wounds and the stresses of daily life as an adult all build up inside us, creating parts of us that remain unheard. When we first sit down to Focus, it’s like the father sitting down and suddenly expecting the kids to tell him everything on their minds.
So what can we do about this? If we are determined to get in touch with any unhealed aspects of ourselves, we proceed in the way a wise father would, having finally realised there is something that needs attention. We sit down regularly with “the kids”, allowing the opportunity for their trust to be built, simply listening and ensuring we don’t minimise how they are feeling, and over time they will gradually open up to us more and more. While this process can at first seem impossible at worst, or frustratingly slow at best, until we can truly acknowledge those unheard hurts and feelings inside of us, they will continue to control our behaviour, without us even realising it. Focusing regularly gives us the opportunity to simply hang out with them, building the trust needed for them to finally open up and talk. And as any experienced Focuser knows, there is the most incredible magic and liberation in simply being heard. We don’t need to find ways to fix past hurts, unlived dreams; all we need to do is simply hear them, truly hear them.
If you are serious about building this relationship with yourself, I wholeheartedly recommend doing a course with a Focusing Teacher, and establishing a Focusing Partnership with someone else who has done the training. While it requires an initial investment of some money and time to do the training, it gives you a long term sustainable (and free!) way to truly listen to those unhealed parts of yourself, in a way that they will no longer stand between you and where you want to be in life. In being truly heard by the Focusing Teacher and Focusing Partner, and learning how to truly hear them as they Focus, you will learn how to truly hear your own Focusing process.
My personal experience of this has been one of immense relief. I have gone from thinking I need to resolve everything, to realising that once the unhealed parts of me have been truly heard, they are integrated into me in such a way that I no longer find myself pulled in several directions at once. I am truly building a new relationship with myself, and am seeing the benefits of doing so on a daily basis. I am finding self-criticism gradually being replaced with self compassion and self acceptance, in a way I’d read about over the years, bought into intellectually, but been at a loss to be able to actually bring about in my life. I will forever be thankful for having been introduced to this wonderful skill.